Am I biased...or just negative?

Negativity Bias – Teflon vs Velcro

I’d been seeing a therapist for about 6 months. Reflecting on the progress I was making around self-care; he applauded my efforts commenting that my level of commitment was a rarity. That’s when it happened…the Teflon moment!

In response to his compliment I smiled, thanked him and moved on. He paused and then challenged me. “What was that? I’m not sure you really let that land.” He went on to ask me whether I had simply heard the words or actually felt them and allowed them to sink in. He referred to it as a Teflon moment. Polytetrafluoroethylene, also known as Teflon, is a coating most commonly seen in pans to make them non-stick. In the context of my psyche, it referred to my inability to let praise sink in. “What you need here is to swap out the Teflon for Velcro”, he said. “Let it stay with you and truly feel what it is to receive praise”.

It is our brains’ negativity bias - an evolutionary trait designed to help keep us alive that means our brains are hardwired to remember negative experiences and quickly forget positive ones. It played a part in keeping us alive but in today’s world it is more often just a source of anxiety and sadness. Psychologist and researcher Dr. Rick Hanson, has said that our brains are "Velcro for negativity and Teflon for positivity." Our negative experiences "stick" to us like Velcro, while our positive experiences slide right off us like Teflon.

No matter how many positive comments I see on Trustpilot or Glassdoor, it takes just one derogatory review and that’s it, I’m left ruminating over that one negative comment, allowing it to influence how I perceive my business. Let’s take that one step further. We survey 10% of our customer base and we get fantastic feedback – my negativity bias tells me that we’ve lucked out and that our unhappy customers reside in the other 90%.

Research suggests that it takes 5 positive interactions in a relationship to make up for a single negative interaction; the same is true of self-talk. This means we need a conscious, active process of taking in the positive - something like mindfulness - to make up for our brains negative wiring. Fortunately, our brain’s innate neuroplasticity makes it possible for us to rewire ourselves, allowing us to become more attuned to positive emotions rather than negative.

If this resonates with you, try some of the following:

• Keep a journal of compliments and gratitude

If someone were to ask you what you’re grateful for, would you have an answer ready to go? Keeping a journal is a great way to document compliments, recognition and reasons to be grateful. It creates a record of positivity and allows you to reflect on and remember even the most modest Velcro-worthy moments. The simple habit of reflecting on what you’re grateful for can actually lead to a happier, more content life.

• Surround yourself with positive people and content

The company you keep and media you consume play a huge role in determining your state of mind. Surround yourself with those who would bring you down, and you’ll feel down. Spend hours a day scrolling social media feeds looking at other people’s perfectly airbrushed photos of their best lives and you’ll risk feeling inadequate. Instead spend time with people who build you up, and be a discerning consumer, taking care to listen to and watch media that helps inspire you to be the best version of yourself.

• Start your day with positive affirmations

These days the act of talking to oneself is quite normal, and no longer the first sign of madness. Ask Mel Robbins, author of ‘The High 5 Habit’. Mel’s book cites the benefits of positive affirmations, both verbal and physical. Mel’s advice – Every morning when the alarm rings and you wake up, I want you to put your hands on your heart and repeat this mantra: “I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m loved. Today is going to be a good day.”.

• Practice Mindfulness and learn to accept emotions with loving-kindness

Every mind has many voices – some are discouraging and hateful. Each voice of the mind, feeling, or sensation influences our brain chemicals. Showing compassion towards yourself and others is a skill, not an innate ability, but practicing loving kindness meditation is a popular self-care technique that can be used to boost well-being and reduce stress, increasing capacity for forgiveness, connections to others, self-acceptance, and more.

I’m pleased to say that by practicing some of these techniques I am now able to receive compliments more fully, and having recorded these in my daily journal, I am building a wonderful resource which I can turn to if I ever need reassurance.