On Friday 2nd July 2021 during a mindfulness course, I was introduced to the poem 'Autobiography in Five Short Chapters' by Portia Nelson…ever since I have walked down a different street.
It came at the end of a week where I had been suffering with awful anxiety and it would be an understatement to say that the words had a profound effect on me.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still don't see it. I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place. It isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It's habit. It's my fault.
I know where I am. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down a different street.
The previous weekend had been a pretty epic one as my wife and I attended the annual Dine & Disco event masterminded by Virgin Radio DJ and TV presenter Chris Evans - a star-studded line-up of celebrity chefs, TV & Radio personalities and music legends...all topped off by an incredible performance by Sir Elton John.
After a late night on the Friday, sipping cocktails in Chewton Glen's cosy bar, we began the Saturday with 'Cake & Chat' hosted by TV presenter & wine expert, Olly Smith...the corks popped and the fizz started to flow. An evening of al-fresco dining prepared by James Martin, Atul Kochhar and Tom Kerridge was accompanied by copious amounts of wine before we were ushered through to enjoy the main event. After sipping margaritas to some pop classics from Rick Astley and former Spice Girl Mel C, we wound our way to an intimate stage and there he was, Sir Elton John. He was perhaps 15 feet away and the place was alive!! The rest of the night was a maelstrom of music and mojitos, before my head hit the hay in the very early hours.
I woke on Sunday feeling truly horrendous. After breakfast we took advantage of the spa, or at least I tried! Just a few minutes into a massage I had to excuse myself. A combination of breathlessness and the real possibility of me throwing up made for a less than relaxing experience. Elaine was mid-treatment so I spent the next 2 hours wandering the hotel and grounds before eventually finding my way to our car - a refuge where I could curl up and try to calm my nerves. The Calm app was my salvation, specifically the 'Panic SOS' meditation by the wonderful Tamara Levitt. After a while my heart rate and breathing slowly returned to normal but I was left exhausted and full of fear!
Arriving home later that day felt like a blessed relief. I immediately sought out my known remedies including herbal teas, essential oils, meditation and ultimately an early night! However, the effects of overindulgence and lack of sleep from the weekend lasted for days. Troubled sleep, feeling uneasy, an overactive mind full of 'what ifs' all plagued me throughout the week. What should have been a wonderful weekend full of amazing memories had turned into a trigger for several days of fear and anxiety.
Mindful Moments – the space to make the connection
About a year earlier I had started taking mindfulness classes. On 2nd July 2021, the day’s session was on recognising what in our lives nurtures our resilience, kindness and wisdom and how we can feed those aspects, while holding the habits that harm us with an interest and kindness that might reduce the sense of struggle that comes when we identify with or try to ignore that part of ourselves. Awareness seems to be the key to help us decide to walk a new path; we also need courage, patience, gentleness, friendliness and equanimity.
As our practitioner Ed Halliwell read out the poem, we were asked to sit with the words and reflect on what they might mean to each of us. I immediately related this poem to my relationship with alcohol…
…a cool crisp lager after a round of golf, Guinness at the rugby, Malbec with dinner, single malt whisky in front of a roaring fire, port and stilton at Christmas and any number of rum-based cocktails while on holiday. Nothing abnormal here you’d say, but as I looked a little closer there was a theme. There was alcohol of some sort associated with almost every activity, hobby or event in my life. To some degree this was par for the course in the sales-orientated, male-dominated, ego-driven industry in which I work…but this was not exclusively a work-related issue and in my personal life the habits were the same.
Just over a year ago I began keeping a daily journal. In journaling I was encouraged to take time to reflect not only on what I had done each day, but how I‘d felt, my thoughts and what I had to be grateful for. Backed up with the evidence that my journaling was able to give me I could see trends of a boom and bust cycle, leading to ‘Hangxiety’.
By documenting how well I’d slept, how I’d felt, what I was grateful for and ultimately what I’d been up to each day, I saw that my worst bouts of anxiety came shortly after periods where I’d been socialising, going to bed late and critically, drinking!
The issue was less in the direct effects of alcohol, but the indirect:
Sleep
The effects of alcohol on sleep are well documented, and while I never had issues getting to sleep, it was impacting the quality of my sleep. I would often wake feeling slightly groggy, with less energy and occasionally with a sense of anxiety. (Check out ‘Why We Sleep’ by Matthew Walker)
Anxiety
...or as it’s now known ‘Hangxiety’ is the chemical affects that drinking alcohol has on your brain, namely glutamate and GABA (Gamma aminobutyric acid)…in short, the morning after drinking, your brain becomes super sensitive to glutamate, which makes it hyperactive and you anxious, while becoming less sensitive to GABA, which would normally step in to chill you out. My ‘Hangxiety’ would often last for days.
Diet
A couple of drinks was all it took to weaken my willpower. The impact would either be a trip to the snack cupboard or a lack of motivation to get out for a bike ride or to hit the gym! Add to that the calories that I was consuming and it’s little wonder that by the beginning of 2020 I weighed almost 17st!
It’s almost 4 months since I last had an alcoholic drink and I haven’t had a bout of anxiety since the aftermath of the ‘Dine & Disco’ event in late June. I get more consistent sleep, have more energy, make better decisions and am healthier in many other life choices.
I’m not saying I’ll never drink again, but my relationship with alcohol needed to change and this chapter of my life is enabling me to reconnect with myself, to feel present and to be able to embrace life free from the alcohol induced anxiety that had been an all too frequent companion.
I hope that this story might inspire others to invest time in themselves, time to reflect, to discover their frequency and to better understand what might be their 'hole in the sidewalk'.
Check out these resources...
Mindfulness Sussex (www.mindfulnesssussex.co.uk)
‘Why we Sleep’ by Matthew Walker
Check out the world of botanical non-alcoholic spirits, in particular Pentire (www.pentiredrinks.com), Seedlip (www.seedlipdrinks.com) and non-alcoholic bitters from Aecorn (www.aecorndrinks.com).
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